overthinking with nick.

by Nick DiCicco

“Self-worth” and “self-love” are terms that seem to have become increasingly used within the past few years. Constantly, there are ads, influencers, or celebrities all promoting a version of self-worth that is superficial or based on things you do for others. This is not self-worth; rather, quite the opposite.

According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, self-worth is defined as, “a sense of one’s own value as a human being.” Inherently, this definition automatically excludes and removes any external factors. We are all valuable because we are human.

I know, I know, I am not breaking any new ground here, but ever since I started college, I realized how it seems that everyone, including myself, fundamentally misunderstands and ignores the importance of fully seeing the value we all inherently have.

We all crave validation, and we look outwardly for that validation. I am the clearest example of this I can think of. I feel like, without even thinking about it, I constantly seek some sort of acceptance for the work I do, the way I think, or just anything. Hell, even writing this article, which I am doing to address a major flaw among college students and myself, I know I am subconsciously doing so to gain some sort of attention. It seems it’s inescapable to seek validation.

But maybe that’s not the problem. Maybe the problem is why and whom we seek validation from.

This week, I was reading the book of Hosea in the Bible. In the book, Hosea, a prophet, is instructed by God to marry and, more importantly, love a woman named Gomer, whom God tells him will be unfaithful to him. Hosea marries Gomer, and they have three children. Despite this, Gomer still follows her desires and leaves Hosea for other men, fulfilling what God had told Hosea from the very beginning.

What Gomer had thought she wanted, and thought she deserved, led her to become a slave. Hosea, despite how Gomer treated him, loved her so much that he bought Gomer out of slavery, freeing her from her debt. Despite how she viewed herself, Hosea saw her worth and loved her.

This story not only is a metaphor for how God continually offers and shows love to us, even though He knows we will turn away, but it also provides a great look at what actual self-worth is.

I’m sure many people look at this story and judge Gomer. That’s not the point. Like all of us, Gomer had a desire and a need to be validated; that her self-worth was not found inherently in herself, rather it was found in what she could do for others. This mindset led to a hole that could never be filled, leading her becoming a slave.

Do we not do the same?

As I walk around college, I see students constantly trying to find their value in external factors. Whether it be what they wear, the way they talk to others, grades, sex, or many other things, none of us seem to accept that we have inherent value.

As I said before, I fall into this trap all the time. I don’t write this article to condemn or call out anyone, but more as a reminder and confession of myself and to help others who deal with this as well. Unfortunately, I too have used people, said things, and acted on things, all to satisfy this craving I have to feel validated and wanted, but ultimately these actions lead to me feeling like I don’t even deserve love.

It’s a never ending cycle. Crave validation. Do something to find that. Feel satisfied for a short amount of time. Then feel empty. Feel as though I am undeserving of love. Repeat.

Ethan Regan said it best in his song, Fine China when he said, “Don’t tell me that you love me, tell me that I’m important.”

Gomer felt as though she had no other choice but to continue down the path she was. But Hosea freed her by showing her genuine love.

I want everyone out there to know that no matter what you have done, how you have treated people, or anything, you inherently have so much value. Value that is not determined by how hard you work, what your major is, what you wear, how pretty you are, how many people you’ve been with, or any mistakes you have made. You as an individual are enough.

We can all read this and passively accept it as truth, but how do we truly live out what feels like the impossible task of loving who we are and accepting that we are deserving of love?

The first step, I’d say, is to try to stop controlling everything. Mac Miller once said, “People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on.” We are not in control of everything, and as hard as it is to accept, people leaving or things going wrong in life does not mean it is because we are not enough. One thing I’ve been trying to learn, and I know it sounds obvious, but as people, we are all different. We think differently, we view the world differently, and we process things differently. Because something you don’t understand happens to you does not mean that it happened due to ill intent or that anyone was trying to hurt you.

Second, focus on areas where you know you try to find validation, and make sure they do not control your life. Realize that the things you use as a form of validation are not who you are and do not define you. Your body image, your sex life, your social status—none of this defines you, and none of it should be anyone’s view of who you are. We are all so much more than all these things and deserve to be treated as more than just these external factors.

I want to clarify one thing. Just because we all have inherent value does not mean we can behave however we like. If we want to focus on our self-worth and love ourselves, we need to ensure others are valuing themselves as well. Using people, abusing people, cheating on people, etc., all diminish others’ feelings of self-worth and their ability to accept that they deserve love. The story of Hosea and Gomer is not an excuse for us to treat others in harmful ways.

With that being said, I see how people my age are. We don’t love ourselves properly. We love ourselves based on external factors rather than the fact that we are here existing as individual humans. We don’t think we deserve love. How can that be the case? We are all young, have not even started careers or families, and are still figuring out our lives, and we do all this without even loving the very thing that allows us to get up every day and strive to be better.

I have loved and been gifted love from people who felt undeserving of love. I have been loved and given love when I have felt undeserving. Some of the most beautiful, unique, and best human beings I have ever met don’t even see in themselves a quarter of the value they have.

We must stop this. We need to see the beauty in humanity and ourselves. We’re messy, we make mistakes, but despite everything, we all offer beautiful glances into unique souls, all deserving of redemption and love.